“Is Your Day My Day?” Spiritual Journal

Healing begins with knowledge: understanding the emotional impact of IC

Published on June 30, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

JUNE 29, 2016 – Last week I wrote about dejection; today it’s anxiety. This current season of feelings, beginning with extreme aggravation, moving towards dejection and now morphing into anxiety has me quite puzzled. After this past weekend I needed to step back and try to understand just what was going on,

Last week I anticipated a wonderful weekend away with my husband at Hampton Beach, NH. I looked forward to the carnival atmosphere, the gorgeous pristine beaches along Route 1A, the shops and restaurants, and finally, the Happy Together Tour featuring singers and bands of the 1960s (The Turtles, The Cowsills, Mark Lindsay, Billy J. Kramer, Chuck Negron and Gary Puckett).

The weather was perfection – upper 70s with a refreshing onshore wind. My husband and I have needed this time together after the last hectic few months.

And yet during the trip I was overcome with anxiety. Why?

I have continued to ask God for healing as I pray for friends and family as I sensed I needed those prayers. Just as the book lifted me up and out of myself, prayers for healing uncovered information that related directly to my anxiety. It came from a most unexpected source.

I am researching a biography at the moment and have several years’ worth of notes. They need organizing so today I attended to that. In the course of the task, I came across an article called “The Psychological Effects of IC.”

Just what is IC? Short for Interstital Cystitis, IC is a painful and chronic urinary condition. When paired with Overactive Bladder (which I also have) sufferers experience sudden urges to urinate. If you are not near a bathroom, it can be an excruciating experience both physically and emotionally. It can be quite embarrassing as well. Over time you are conditioned to place the needs of your bladder above all else. I go nowhere now without immediately scouting out bathrooms.

It took years to have this condition diagnosed. Heck, it took years to get a doctor to take my complaints seriously! I took meditation for the Overactive Bladder but it did nothing for the IC. Over time I learned what foods to avoid. The discovery of AZO products (especially Bladder Control Go Less) finally began to bring my IC under control, at least during the daytime. Nighttime is another story (and for another day).

What I have discovered about IC is that it is triggered by stress and anxiety. Going away from home is a sure-fire way to trigger it. If you are not sure where the next bathroom is, you are going to obsess over finding one. Such stress triggers flare ups and before you know it, you’re in a vicious cycle.

What I did not know, however, was that there are long term emotional consequences, something I had begun to suspect after coming home from our weekend. The article I stumbled upon today confirmed that suspicion:

“Although IC is a physiological disease, the effects are emotional. The pain of IC automatically induces an emotional response … The messages from the bladder pain can make a patient feel upset, emotional and depressed as a result.”

In my case, it’s panic. And that’s what I kept experiencing in the lovely yet unfamiliar setting of Hampton Beach, NH. That, and hyper-vigilance:

“IC patients may be seen as emotionally laden victims of a traumatic experience demonstrating hyper-vigilant behavior (the need to be on guard against harm), instead of a person in need of medication to calm the unsettling symptoms of interstitial cystitis.”

This may sound a bit dramatic but the fact it that it is true. This article described my experience to perfection. There was more:

“IC is a daily responsibility … it is not a situational stress that will resolve in time. And, even though most of us build a certain amount of tolerance to the everyday bladder sensitivity (not the painful flare-ups), we still have to place our bladder needs first.”

The world with IC can become very small. And, problems can seem too big to overcome. Sometimes the limitations can make us feel stuck, sometimes with no hope for the future.”

My world has definitely shrunk as demonstrated by the tremendous anxiety I experience whenever I have to go away. I am a confirmed homebody—no trip to Europe for me. I chaperone confirmation retreats twice yearly and each weekend is a constant struggle with anxiety-induced obsessive and compulsive tendencies that interfere with my work on the retreat. Finally I have a better understanding of WHY.

I reflected a bit before sharing this blog post. IC and Overactive Bladder are hardly things spoken about freely in polite company. I don’t even know anyone who has it though I know it’s common. So why share this with you?

First of all, because someone out there might also be a sufferer and perhaps, this information can be helpful to them.
Secondly, to show that healing that comes through God’s grace is more often revealed in steps rather than granted miraculously. But just because a healing unfolds rather than effects an instant cure doesn’t make it any less miraculous in my mind.

I am convinced that because I approached God in prayer for healing (even though I didn’t specify what the healing ought to be) that he gave me the mindfulness to pay attention to this article when I found it.

We’re told that knowledge is half the battle. I believe that. This knowledge has given me great relief.

I’m not going crazy.
There is a reasonable explanation.
Now I know what to ask for in prayer for my healing.

This wave of anxiety will, in fact, pass. And when I feel it return, I know where to go and Who to ask when I need help.

p.s. Those of you suffering from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – there is something for you in “The Psychological Effects of IC.” Something tells me we have walked down a similar path.

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Lifted up and out—breaking free from dejection

Published on June 21, 2016 by susanwbailey4 Comments

JUNE 20, 2016 — We all go through spells where we feel blue, even downright dejected. I know lately I’ve been waking up in the morning and feeling a sense of dread about facing a new day. Those fears and anxieties that lie just below the surface tend to be magnified in the wee hours of the morning before the alarm goes off. A quick cup of coffee, some time in prayer with Jenny on my lap purring, and those feelings begin to dissipate. Lately however, I’ve had a harder time getting them to leave me.

One of the psalms that I pray each morning describes dejection to the point of despair:

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.

Psalm 88, 6-9 NIV

Most days I think of those I have known who have experienced that kind of despair. I think too of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, overcome by the knowledge of the suffering he would experience. But some days, I think of me.

I pride myself with knowing why I feel the way I do—I am introspective by nature, and to a fault. But lately I am not clear as to why I feel the way I do. Perhaps it’s the cycle of days seeming to go by faster and faster. It could be those small aches and pains of age reminding me that youth is long over. Maybe I need to stop paying attention to the news because the world no longer makes sense. Maybe I need to stop being so introspective!

I prayed to God today during that psalm and I prayed again during the one o’clock hour when I lift up petitions of healing for family and friends. I rarely include myself but today I did. I asked for grace to come up out of myself, to be lifted up and out. And my prayer was answered.

I am reading an antique book printed in 1937 about an historical figure, Amos Bronson Alcott. The book is large, its pages browning, the paper soft to the touch. The spine is such that that the book stays open by itself. The cover is exquisite, vintage 1930s art in earth tones. The biographer is totally immersed in his subject, revealing to me the mind and the heart of one of recent histories’ biggest conundrums. Alcott was a man of extremes—at once brilliant, original, insightful while at the same time blind to the physical needs of his family, unable, unwilling at times to work to support them. He drew amazing creativity out of his daughters but inflicted great scars through his demands for perfection and virtue, causing one to become a workaholic to support the family while constantly striving to prove her virtue (Louisa) while another found that virtue perfectly in death rather than life (Lizzie).

With all his fatal flaws, Amos Bronson Alcott is a fascinating figure and Odell Shepherd, the biographer, writes about the man with incredible beauty and insight. Some call it “old-fashioned” but I say that Shepherd, because he wrote the book only forty-nine years after Alcott’s death, was closer to him that current biographers could ever hope to be. Perhaps the writing style is “dated;” the fact that there are no footnotes proves to be frustrating for scholars. But there is general agreement that the work is authentic. And that’s why it speaks to me.

And today during my lunch break as I read, scribbling notes in the margins, I found myself being lifted out of my dejection by the sheer beauty of the words and the tactile experience of holding that magnificent old book.

God answered my prayer. Through the experience of reading, I could be lifted out of the prison of myself, my eyes no longer dimmed with grief, my spirit no longer overcome with waves. Because I could get lost in the life of another through the exquisite writing of his biographer, I could receive a gift of grace.

We all have tools we use to help ourselves feel better when we are blue. Some like to listen to music, go for a walk, take a swim or see friends. These are all gifts of grace from God who knows our every need. In my case, rather late in life, I was given the grace to lose myself in a book and in the lives of fascinating historical figures.

Thank you Lord.

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“Is My Day Your Day?” Let’s talk about our spiritual lives.

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

MAY 1, 2016

Sometimes we need a place to jot down our thoughts and feelings.

We learn something new.
We screw up. Big time.
We receive a surprise blessing.

I wanted to establish this quiet space to share things as they happen to me with the hope that you will see yourself here too. Free free to comment and I will answer. Let’s talk and share.

I invite you to visit my spiritual journal called “Is My Day Your Day?”

In this journal I will be sharing insights I learn from scripture, experiences of prayer, encounters with people and with the world … whatever I run into that leads me to God.

I am hoping that in my sharing you will find something that resonates with your spiritual life.

We are never alone. God is with us and not just in church. He in our hearts and souls. He is in each one of us. And he is in the world around us.

Mark Ittleman Together, Flickr Creative Commons

I look forward to walking together with you and our Lord.

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Meditating on the wounds of Christ

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

MARCH 31, 2016–Today’s meditation from The Word Among Us (based upon Luke 24:35-48) reflects upon the wounds Christ received at his death–wounds that remained on his glorified body after the resurrection:

“Jesus’ victory looked so different from what the disciples had expected. Instead of arriving with a king’s crown or a huge army, he returned bearing the wounds of a brutal death. Even though he is now risen in glory, his body remains marred. He isn’t just restored to his former state—he is transformed in a way that reflects the price he paid for our salvation. God didn’t just press a reset button. He took Jesus through death into a new and eternal life.

Jesus’ scars are the marks of his love for us—a love unto death. Every day, he invites us to gaze at these wounds and to see in them the proof of his victory. What’s more, he wants to convince us that he can turn our own wounds into marks of triumph. There is no situation too desperate for him to overcome.”

It may seem morbid to focus on such graphic wounds. But then I am reminded of the love behind those wounds, the love that gave Jesus the courage to follow through with his suffering so that we might know hope in this life and paradise beyond this life.

When I put together my sung rosary book (Mary, Queen of Peace Meditation Guide & Sung Rosary) I included a special meditation on those wounds, based upon a simple practice in Eastern Catholic prayer–that of repeating “Lord, have mercy!”

I invite you try this meditation and see where it leads. It’s led me to some pretty amazing spiritual places.

Meditations on the Wounds of Christ

A prayer frequently chanted during the Divine Office in the Eastern Catholic Church is “Lord, have mercy.” Often this prayer is chanted 40 times in succession.

I formulated a method with this repetition that turned into a meaningful devotion focusing on the wounds of Christ:

Gazing upon the crucifix, begin by reciting or chanting “Lord, have mercy” 5 times. Each time it is recited, focus on a wound on Christ’s body. For example, recite “Lord, have mercy” and meditate on Christ’s feet. Recite it again and focus on the left hand. Recite it a third time and meditate on the right hand. Recite it again and gaze on the wound in his side. Then recite it a fifth time and focus on the head.
Repeat this cycle 8 times, thus reciting or chanting the prayer 40 times in total.I found, for example, that as I focused on the nail marks in His feet, I thought about where those feet had traveled. I studied the wounded hands and wondered whom they had healed. I thought about his heart, pierced and yet so full of love. I thought about the head and the emotional and mental agony he went through, and yet also marveled at all the wisdom and knowledge that resided in that head. I recalled his teachings, exhortations, and words of comfort.

These are just some of the places where this devotion can take you. May the Spirit of the Living Lord guide you as you gaze upon His wounds and contemplate His love.

I need you to put my life in perspective

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

MARCH 30, 2016–Today’s readings put forth a common theme–that we need each other. I loved the line from the meditation found at The Word Among Us website:

“There’s something about opening ourselves to other people that makes us more open to the Lord’s presence and his comfort.”

The meditation cites the examples of the two disciples walking to Emmaus, pouring themselves out to Jesus even though they did not recognize him. What they did recognize was his openness to their plight. He was willing to listen.

It also discusses the reading from Acts where Peter and John “give what they have” to the lame beggar–the healing power of Christ.

The meditation concludes with the idea that we most often find God in one another.

Such discovery requires trust. I have to go out on a limb based upon my initial feelings about someone, and trust that they want to hear what I have to say.

It makes me think about the vibe I give out–does my face convey openness, or am I annoyed that you are bothering me? Am I sitting still and being attentive or am I fidgeting? Is my mind focused on you or pushing in the future, waiting for you to leave?

It’s not easy to trust. It’s a lot easier on my part to think that my problem is so “special” that no one will understand it and so I keep it to myself. That’s a form of pride. There is no problem that is unique to one individual. At least one other person in the world has been through my problems. If I go out on a limb and confide in another, will I find God waiting there to listen?

Learning about stillness

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

MARCH 13, 2016–LEARNING ABOUT STILLNESS

My latest column for the Catholic Free Press (which I will post on Tuesday) is about what I have been learning during this Lent about silence and stillness. Did you know there is a physical component to stillness within? I didn’t but I am learning.

I find it very hard to remain still, not only with my mind racing, but my body fidgeting. Honestly, I can’t sit still. Either I’m squirming in my chair trying to get comfortable (I have a chronic achy back, not serious, more of a nuisance) or scratching my head or fiddling with my hair or going after my phone.

A couple of weeks ago at Mass God gave me a gift of grace where I was able to experience true stillness. Not only was my mind still, focused solely on the altar and the priest, but my body was actually still. No fidgeting. No fixing my hair. Just totally still.

Today at mass it went further. I found myself no longer conscious of my body; thus I felt no pain in my back.

As a choir member, I have to stand for long periods of time and that can be rather painful. Often I will sit whenever I can, even if everyone else is standing. Today I made a conscious decision to remain standing because I was experiencing a sense of stillness. It focused my attention on God and away from my body and thus, I was able to ignore any back pain.

It gave me just a tiny clue as to how people in chronic pain who have a deep faith are able to cope. They are never free from pain but somehow, directing the focus to God perhaps helps to decrease the pain, making it more manageable. I’ve seen it with my friend Jackie who is often in pain.

Now granted, it is a monumental effort at times to reach that stillness (I often cannot overcome emotional pain). But the point of the matter is that there is something to stillness of the spirit spreading to the body.

Anthony Tong Lee Stillness, Flickr Creative Commons

Perhaps this is what Jesus means when he says his yoke is easy and his burden light. Even in the most horrendous of situations.

Back in the choir loft–a humbling and pleasurable challenge

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

FEBRUARY 26, 2016–Glad to be back in the choir loft

Last night was choir practice. Another night driving in the rain. I’m not good at this going-out-at-night thing; it makes getting up the next morning harder somehow.

I knew that was going to be a stumbling block to joining choir. But I am so glad I joined the choir.

I love how the music lingers in my memory after practice. The radio in my head plays the songs in a constant loop. It creates this peaceful little buzz.

I’ve been listening almost exclusively to choral and classical music for the past several years. Having been in choirs before, I know what it takes to learn these pieces. There’s a lot of tedium involved (and a LOT of waiting if you’re a soprano like me). I didn’t think I had the patience to learn the music. Besides, despite five years of piano as a kid and a lifetime making music, I don’t read music well.

I also haven’t been in a choir since the 1990s. I did solo singing all that time and now I have learn all over again how to work in a group. It has been a challenge.

A good challenge. A humbling challenge. And a very interesting challenge. And a pleasurable challenge.

Matúš Benian Choir Psallite Deo, Flickr Creative Commons

One of the first things I had to learn was how to breathe in a group. Believe it or not, it’s quite different breathing in a group versus solo singing. One night I nearly passed out during rehearsal because I didn’t do it properly (luckily nobody noticed!).

Next, I had to learn to balance the volume of my singing between blending with everyone around me and contributing something to the group. My first inclination was to totally lose myself in the voices around me–that was pulling back too much. Now I am starting to push forward again, still looking for that balance, but contributing more to the group.

Blending with others when you have a heavy vibrato is a challenge! It’s impossible to smooth out my voice completely (and I probably shouldn’t) and I have yet to strike the proper balance. But it will come.

As we learn the pieces, I love meditating on the words. When the music comes together and we sing the song from beginning to end, the prayer becomes sublime.

And then it lingers in my head for days to come.

Yeah, so worth going out at night. So worth getting to church early. So nice being with others at mass, making a joyful noise for the Lord. So great being part of a community.

Yeah, I’m glad I rejoined the choir.

A light in the darkness–Braving night blindness to meet an inspiring young man

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

FEBRUARY 25, 2016–Driving in the rain and meeting an inspiring young man

How is your eyesight at night? Obviously it depends on your age. I will be 60 in a couple of weeks and my eyesight at night is TERRIBLE. I’ve taken to whispering a quick prayer every morning to St. Christopher to get me from point A to point B in one piece; I also keep his card in the car. I need him, especially in the rain! Driving in the rain at night is the worst. Honestly, I keep losing a sense of where I am because I can’t see marker points, and I just have to trust my gut that I know where I am going. The glare from the lights just blinds me. And is it me, or are headlights twice as bright as they used to be? Or does everyone just leave their high beams on? A downside to nearing 60 …

Jason Trbovich that saturday afternoon drive in the rain, Flickr Creative Commons

But, the upside is I get these wonderful freelance assignments from our local Catholic newspaper to cover stories. The last two assignments have taken me to a wonderful ecumenical prayer service at Assumption College, and a closing mass for a parish mission at St. Rose of Lima in Northborough. I love newspapers, having worked on both sides of the spectrum, as a production artist and now as a columnist and reporter. Life is good. God is good.

Anyway, last night I met an eighteen-year-old man who truly inspired me. A senior in high school, he has just become an altar server. Last night’s mass was his first mass and he was a poised and confident pro. I asked him after mass how he happened to make this unusual decision to become a server and he explained that the pastor, Father Houston, had invited him to serve. His first assignment? A military funeral. He spoke of the power of that funeral and how that experience led him to ask Father Houston if he could serve again. When I asked him what he wanted to study in college, he replied, “Criminology.,” and when I asked why, he said that he loved public service. Be still my heart.

It was worth driving at night in the rain to hear that story.

Confession as reconciliation–something I now look forward to

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

FEBRUARY 24, 2016–I used to dread going to confession; now I look forward to it!

I’ve been a Catholic since birth (60 years this March 19) and always dreaded going to confession. As a kid it was scary; as an adult it was embarrassing–I could never remember my sins! I mean I know I screw up big time but I never can remember the specifics. Thankfully I now have a tool based on the Ten Commandments to help me come up with those specifics.

If you are of another faith tradition, I know confession is hard to understand. Why should someone have to act as an intermediary between me and God when it comes to owning up to what I’ve done wrong? It all begins to make sense when you find the right confessor. Honestly, it’s like trying to find the right doctor or shrink–you have to know what you want in that person and be aware when you find it.

Our associate pastor, Father Jim, is the confessor I’ve been looking for. Such a patient listener, compassionate and quite wise for a man of thirty (my son is that age!). He’ll let me babble on trying to explain my sins to him only to assure me I’ve made a good confession. He then figures out the theme of my sins, offers good counsel and assigns a penance that makes sense, I feel tremendous relief and gratitude every time I confess to him. Honestly, I actually looked forward to going yesterday! I examined my conscience yesterday morning, made my list and waited all day to see Father Jim.

God is near, we know that. Some Christian faith traditions believe the Eucharist is the physical presence of Jesus. But there is something about spilling your guts to another human being, especially one who has been ordained and appointed by God to help. And help it does.

I hope you’re as lucky as I in finding a good confessor.

Busting that delusional bubble–a taste of humility

Published on May 1, 2016 by susanwbaileyLeave a comment

FEBRUARY 23, 2016 — First entry in my spiritual journal. I had a “comeuppance” with God last week. It began with disappointing news which led to doubts and confusion about everything I am doing, and then to other, more painful realizations. I feel like I am squinting under a very bright light, totally naked, utterly exposed. A really raw, uncomfortable feeling! It’s been like that since the weekend. I feel like I lost my footing. And all the while I am preparing a presentation about getting to know yourself better by following the way Jesus did it. Yeah, right! Who feels like the hypocrite now?

So last night I am recording this presentation to make it available here on the website and my words keep accusing me! It took over an hour to record that sucker but you know something? By the end I started smiling because I realized that besides being exposed, I was also the butt of a joke. God has a dear sense of humor. 🙂

I began to feel the worst of it fade just a tad. Last night when going to bed I thought I would take my rosary to bed as clutching it always helps. I found a rosary bracelet that my dearest friend Jackie gave me and I wore it. And this morning I felt a wonderful sense of peace and the beginning of clarity on how to deal with my “comeuppance.”

It’s never fun having one’s delusional bubble burst; man it hurts! But knowing that I can go back to God and make it right, and knowing how kind and caring (and funny) he can be makes it a lot easier to deal with.